Waking Up

Somebody is ripping my chest apart. They have their finger interlaced between my ribs and are pulling as hard as they can. It felt like an 800 pound gorilla had hold of me. I can't see them but I'm sure they are trying to kill me. No wait, I'm in surgery. They must be wiring my chest back together, but I'm waking up and they don't know it! I need to tell them but I can't seem to open my eyes. Why can't I get my eyes open? I try to speak but nothing comes out. I try to move my arms so they will know I am awake but they don't move either. In the haze of anesthesia I don't remember that my eyes are taped shut, I am intubated and my arms are tied down to the table. The pain in my chest is excruciating, and I panic because I am pretty sure I will either pass out or die here on the table from the pain before I can tell them I am awake. I hear "She's waking up" and then nothing.

I open my eyes. It's bright and I am being wheeled along a corridor. I see Nana with her hand over her mouth looking at me, wiping her eyes. Jim is now suddenly there, like in a dream walking along side me. "I'm going to pick up Polly from the airport. Do you want me to bring her here tonight?" he asked. Tears again in his eyes.

I try to answer, but again nothing comes out. Somewhere out of my view someone tells me not to talk, "You are still intubated". Still not quite comprehending, I try with all my might to speak but gag instead. Hands now on my shoulders holding me down. "We need to get her extubated". Jim tells me he will bring Polly with him, and he is gone in a flash. I close my eyes.

Lights are still bright but not as many people around. I am in some kind of room. My father, Cindy and Teresa in my view for seconds, maybe minutes. Teresa and Cindy kiss me again, this time on the forehead. Nana holds my hand. She squeezes hard, like she holding me back from being sucked into a tornado. Not there all at the same time though. Disjointed in my memory.

When my eyes open again it is dark in the room, night I think. I know time has gone by, but I missed it somehow. I am no longer intubated. My throat is sore and I am so thirsty. A nurse comes to check on me. She gives me water and I close my eyes.

The next time I open my eyes, I am alone and it is still dark. I understand now that I am in the intensive care unit. I look out into the nurses station, and it is dark there too. It must be late. I can see the clock on the wall and it is midnight. Suddenly it seemed, Jim was at my side again, kissing me. He charmed the nurses into letting him in the ICU against all the visitation rules. Jim could charm his way into anything. "Look who I brought" he says with a thick voice.

And there was Polly. She bends over and kisses me on the lips long and slow. "You sure are a sight for sore eyes" she says her voice breaking. And she kisses me again, this time harder. It was the first time Polly had ever kissed me in front of anyone else.

Just before surgery she went through the whole "I can't do this; we can't be lovers" breakup thing again with me for about the fourth time in our then 2 year relationship. Only right then, at that moment it felt like we were lovers. I was in love with her and desperately wanted for her to be in love with me. The kiss felt good. Like she meant it. She leaned over and whispered in my ear "I love you" and she was crying. I wanted to believe that she loved me because I was me, not because she was afraid for me. And so I did. It was one of the many miscalculations I would make in my life. But at that moment she was there for me. And that's what counted.